childhood experience and GID

for a while now my partner has made a good argument that my being abused as a
child has been the cause of my GID. I’m currently questioning, if this IS the
case, is it relevant? I can totally see how logical my partners arguement is…
and she’s not even saying it to oppose my transitioning. She totally hates and
blames a certain family member for my struggles with my identity. She 100%
believes that if a certain person hadn’t done certain things when i was a child
then i would not have any desire to change physically. My belief and response
is that, whether or not this be the supposed ’cause’, it doesn’t change the fact
that i identify as male, can not stand a female body and can only go on with my
life if i entirely physically transition to become as close to male as possible.
For a long time it hasnt mattered what the reason may be, as long i know the
answer to my being comfortable with myself, thats all i thought i needed to
know. But i can’t help wondering now, if i hadnt had certain experiences that i
did have as a little ‘girl’, would i be content to live my life with the body i
have. would i have been spared the absolute hatred for any female aspect of my
body? I can answer my own question i suppose – regardless of the reason, i can
only see a future for myself if i am physically male. i can not live my life as
a woman, because as far as i am concerned i am not female. Thats all that
should matter really, and i know this, but i cant help dwelling on it a bit at
the moment, and wondering what other peoples opinions might be. I feel i owe it
to my partner to explore this line of thought, although we both know it won’t
alter the conclusion. An unnecessary post perhaps, thinking out loud.

Side effects…

I’ve literally watched hundreds of videos of people speaking of their experiences starting testosterone. Not one that I can recall mentioned these terrible stomach cramps and headaches.

At least I know it’s getting into my system, but I seriously hope these stomach pains don’t last long.

testogel effect?

Drawing “THE CLUSTER HEADACHE” Subtitle: “ANYONE WHO SUFFERS FROM CLUSTER HEADACHES CAN RELATE TO THIS DRAWING” (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I used my first sachet of testogel yesterday- 50mg applied to my arms and shoulders.

I woke up this morning with the worst headache ever! literally felt like someone had kicked me repeatedly in the head before stamping on it for good measure.  Headaches are a common side effect of testosterone, however i really hope this one was coincidental, or majorly worse than the rest will be if im gonna get them often! so painful, yet still worth it if the alternative is to stay as i am now.

If it is from the T, and that was after just one application, what the hell is it going to be like over the next week as it builds up to a higher level? will the headaches get worse… surely they must peak at some point and lessen as my body gets used to the increase?   i really hope this morning wasnt just a taster of whats to come.

T day tomorrow!

I’m saying it here because I can’t say it anywhere else… I’ve decided- I’m starting T tomorrow. There’s a box full of squigy testogel sachets with someone else’s name on sitting on my shelf… I can’t resist any longer. It’s hormones, they are natural. I shouldn’t have to wait for someone else’s say so to have what I should have had all along.

With regards to telling people, I’m not sure that I will. I might just wait until changes become apparent and tell people when they ask. It’s a shame though, it’s such an exciting and important moment in my life, I always thought I’d be sharing my ‘T day’ with every single person who wanted to know. I suppose if it had happened like it was supposed to then I wouldn’t be sharing it with everyone anyway, I wouldn’t even know myself until the changes showed themselves.

I’m about to become 13 again… Fingers crossed it won’t be a rough ride!

I really hope this doesn’t bite me on the arse.

Major deliemma

I have never wrestled with myself psychologically more than I am over this testogel issue. Everything is telling me not to do it, to just hold on and do it properly- it’ll be worth the wait. But there’s something stronger, telling me I have to do it, I need to do it.

The fact that I don’t want to tell anyone what I’m planning on is all i need to know that it’s not the right thing to do.

Yet still, I can’t switch off from it. I’ve bought it now, it will be here tomorrow. I know once Its in my possession I will have to use it.

I need to speak to my dr, but the thought of it makes me so anxious. There’s no blue print for this kind of thing… Other than wait and wait and wait. I’m gonna be 30 by the time I can actually get on with my life!

My head is too full right now.

going ahead, striking gold (?)

 

Men with CHD and low testosterone levels show increased mortality rates (Photo credit: GEEKSTATS)

 

 

I’ve struck gold so to speak, unless as with most things it turns out to be too good to be true, iv’e fallen in line with someone who can supply me with testogel at 60-70 quid per 30 days worth.  Erring on the side of caution i’ve only bought one box for now, very aware that it might not be the real deal, might not turn up at all etc.

 

I can’t wait.  i was really unsure about whether or not i should go ahead with this, but this morning it seemed like it was unlikely i could get hold of any after all.  I was absolutely gutted.  So when it worked out that i (hopefully) can, all my reservations were gone and i knew i had to go for it.  Im sure many will frown upon what im doing, thinking it totally irresponsible etc.. which of course, it pretty much is.

 

But, upon suggestion from a friend, i think i’ll reduce the irresponsible factor by informing my gp of what im doing so, although i wont exactly be in her good books, i can be monitored to check my levels are safe etc.

 

I wish this didnt have to be the case, i wish i could just wait and use the right channels.  But when you are told you’ll have to wait at least a year to even be seen by anyone, let alone actually be prescribed the thing you NEED, well, how are you supposed to accept that?  when you are in a situation in which you can have access to what you need without the formalities of a prescription, how can you resist? should you resist?

 

i think i know what i’d be saying if i were speaking to someone else about this, but i know how deeply i need things to happen.  A stationary year can be a very dangerous thing for someone who finds it very hard to resist the urges to self arm and gets very easily dragged down into the murky depths of depression   and the risk of psychosis.  The answer to my having a healthy mind is to keep moving forward physically, that i know as a definite.  So, that’s what im going to do.

 

The next thing to consider-

 

At what point do i tell my gp?  before, after a couple of days, weeks or months?

 

How will this affect things when i do finally go to leeds?  Do i even need to worry about that at the moment?

 

What will my psychologist say? at what point do i tell her? obviously i can only hide it from her for so long.  Will people treat me differently? will they think i’m weak for not holding out? do i think i’m weak? Do i even care? the questions go on and on… there’s only one way to answer them for now, and that’s just do what i feel i need to do.

 

To hormone or not to hormone

That’s a question I don’t need to think about the answer to, for, I’m so impatient to have my body change, especially my voice, that ive just done something I said I would never do.

I’ve just bought a months worth of testogel online.

I never thought I would ever do something that I previously deemed so wreck less, however whether it be right or wrong, the fact that it’s just a topical gel and not an injection or pill makes it seem far less radical.

The positives, hopefully using testogel for a while will cause just enough changes that I can feel better about myself while waiting the year plus to go to Leeds. If my voice could just drop a little I would feel much more confident.

The negatives-

I won’t be able to celebrate and share with everyone that I’ve started testosterone.

I won’t be having my blood level monitored to see if I’m using the correct dose.

When I run out of my months supply, do I buy more and carry on taking it or stop?

If the changes I am aiming for happen, how do I explain them to people who will hugely frown upon what I have done?

I’m sure there are many more negatives than positives, yet I know that this is what I have to do to be happy with myself. All we can do in life is try to make ourselves and those around us happy.

I’m not doing this to hurt anyone else. I’m doing this because it’s what I need to do.

In a few days time I could be on testosterone. Will I tell anyone about it? Will anyone notice? Will i regret this when I officially start T? – like peeking at your presents before Christmas day and knowing what you’re going to get?

Guess I’m going to find out.

3rd session – The 360* turn!

This session followed a huge row with my partner the night before.  A row which left me doubting whether we would stay together after all.  It seems expressing this doubt was the key to being seriously, and instead of suggesting i look like a gay woman at most, the psychiatrist said “of course your partner finds it difficult, you’re living as a man AS MUCH AS YOU POSSIBLY CAN.  JACKPOT!!  – the entire opposite of what she said 6 days previously.  Had she just said those other things to test me?  To see how i would react? To see if i could take it, or what?  Either way she had said the magic words and i instantly felt much better about myself, although still gutted and confused about what it meant for my marriage.

“Think of your first memory and tell me about that”.

Another groan in response.  My first memory is of a significant event that happened when i was 3 and a half.  One which i have no desire to remember or talk about, and which yet again, was included in the extensive notes she had on her lap.  She seemed really shocked that i couldnt remember anything from before then(can most people remember being younger than 3?) My memory throughout my childhood is sketchy at best.

We talked about other things, gradually making our way through my childhood and early teens – gender included this time.

Again when i left i felt down.  I hate talking about my family history and my childhood – it left me feeling exhausted and in need of a drink (every session with this woman is closely followed by a couple of pints).

On a brighter note i felt that we had moved forward in this session, that we were making progress.

Session 2 – a bizarre encounter

 

The second session was a bizarre one and left me feeling just as bad about myself.  I spoke how i felt regarding her comments about my clothes and hair, and told her that contrary to her opinion, a lot of the time people refer to me with male pronouns – unitl i speak and then they will suddenly refer to me as ‘love’.  Constantly giving examples and highlighting why i need to start testosterone asap.

Today’s cruel words were – “you dont look at all like a man.  No man would wear what you are wearing right now (mens clothes!).  If i sent you to Leeds as you are now they would see you as presenting as a gay woman, not as a man.  Personally i think you look great, but thats just the way it is.

This was a 5 minute conversation, straight after she said- “name the first family member that comes into your head and start telling me about them”.

I replied with a groan and told her i hate this kind of stuff.  She had 18 months worth of notes in front of her, why did i have to do all this again?

I reluctantly, awkwardly, spoke about a few of my family members.  Speaking about just one member of my family is never a straight forward task, so to go through my relationships with a few of them was an impossible task in only 45 minutes.

The conclusion of this sessions (after non speaking about my gender at all!!) was that my mum is “one troubled lady”.  Again, with all my previous notes in front of her, she would have known that already.  I still fail to see the relationship between my mum being mentally fucked and me being a man.

 

session 1… An unexpected kick in the stomach

feelings (Photo credit: Dreaming in the deep south)

Following my year and a half of CBT with Dr S, he said he  (and my gp) would be more than happy to refer me to leeds gender clinic, however he strongly recommended that he refer me to a colleague of his who “specialises in gender identity disorder“.  I’d grown to trust this guy a lot of the past 18 months so i said if he really thought it would be beneficial then i would be happy to see this person.  After all, speaking to someone once, maybe twice, before being refered to leeds shouldnt delay things too much, and, he told me, might actually speed up the process once I’m there as I will have already seen 2 psychiatrists before going.  

A couple of months went by and just as i was beginning to wonder if I’d been forgotten, through came appointment with L.B – the ‘gender specialist’ colleague i had been referred to.  I was really happy, thinking i would see her on this day and a few days later my referral would be sent to leeds and I’d soon be on my way!

This was not to be the case (looking back, why would it be?! nothing is ever so easy, and if it is, it’s not to be trusted!)

The day arrived, i sat in the ever familiar reception area, where i had spent a significant part of the last year, for 10/15 minutes (always early!) then she came in and introduced herself.  I stood to follow her through to her office but she asked me to sit back down and fill out a form, which turned out to be the standard multiple choice questionnaire designed to determine whether you are currently suffering from depression or anxiety.  A very simplistic method which anyone can easily manipulate to show what they want to portray no matter how they are feeling, by simply ticking the appropriate box.  But that’s besides the point….   i answered honestly… yes, i was feeling great, no I didn’t want to kill myself, no I hadn’t self harmed in the past week etc etc.  For the first time in years i had been feeling optimistic about life, finally knowing, with 100% certainty, what the answer to being happy was.  

Had I filled out the same questionnaire at the end of this first session, the results would have been very different!!

She returned, took my form with a smile and asked me to follow her into her office.  First challenge, where to sit?! she stood in the doorway, watching to see where i sat, all the seats spaced out strangely and at awkward angles… there didn’t seem to be a right answer.  i spotted a box of tissues by one chair and figured that’s where I was supposed to sit, but who knows :S 

i sat down, she sat down, then came relief when her first question was “what would you like me to call you?”…  in the days leading up to this one i had played over in my head the conversation in which i asked her not to call me my previous name and instead to call me my chosen name, which i had recently made official by deed poll.  so that got that out-of-the-way, I felt like we were off to a good start.

Her next question however was, “how do you feel about the legal ramifications” (great word!), i asked what specific “legal ramification” she was referring to.  Her answer – “well the fact you and your partner wont be legally married anymore”.      This was the first kick in the stomach, i really had no idea that this was the case, but it turns out that because marriage is legally between a man and a woman and a civil partnership is between 2 people of the same-sex, once a person changes their sex they no longer fulfil the legal definition of their partnership and it is automatically “dissolved” (i HATE this word!).

Following that little bombshell which left me feeling more than deflated, she went on to comment on my clothes, stating that although  may be wearing mens clothes, i dont look like a man in them (even went onto say that my shirt was so nice she could wear it herself! wt actual f?!) then despite my obvious anger went on to say that i might want to consider roughing my hair up a bit because it was too nice to be a mans hairstyle.     I told her that there was no way i was going to change my taste in clothes and my hairstyle to suit what someone elses idea of a man was.  She didnt responded, simply sat and jotted something down on her notepad.  

the other topics we spoke about were –

* me paying to see a voice coach (just give me testosterone!!)

* Sex (specifically, “do you use a strap on?”)

*the order of importance for things such as hormones, surgeries etc

*packing and binding

*whether i use the mens toilets and if i piss standing up

basically, anything really personal you would cringe at asking a person, especially a total stranger, she asked me!  A lot to take in in a 50 minute session!

As i stood to leave she mention making an appointment for the following week.  Clearly disappointed i asked her how many sessions we would actually be having together.  her infuriating response was “for as long as it takes until you’re ready”.    READY?! READY?!  HOW MORE FUCKING READY DO YOU NEED ME TO BE?!

I left feeling like absolute shite.. the total opposite to how i had felt beforehand.  For the rest of the week my whole (newfound) confidence was knocked, feeling like whatever i wore, whatever i did with my appearance i would still appear as a woman to the outside world.  I hadn’t felt this bad in a long time.

I decided that in the next session i would tell her how i had felt following her comments.